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Texas Chili Contest

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Michael Chu

Joined: 10 May 2005
Posts: 1654
Location: Austin, TX (USA)

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 11:09 pm    Post subject: Texas Chili Contest Reply with quote

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 2:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Five years a go I was the cook at a hotel/nightclub in Tasmania, two of our bouncers who were black Americans, who came to me with a request for soul food and chillies to appear on the menu...

especially chilli jam - chili's, roasted chilli seeds and sugar and a few other spices boiled down into a jam like paste.... they loved the stuff -

I thought it gave me a nose bleed, but no it just felt like it did. If you put your head over the pot your whole face would burn for hours,

I didnt dare sniff the stuff, learnt not to sniff pots in Chinese kitchens. Great sauces are nothing to be sniffed at...

If it can water you eyes, dont inhale.

So Maybe I find this funnier than others might.....

Cheeres Ray
Smillie - ozfire
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Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 8:37 am    Post subject: Right.. Reply with quote

I got loads more to say about that, but I gotta run - Later!
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 5:18 pm    Post subject: Michael, You're Hilarious Reply with quote

I can't stop laughing. Too funny! Please come up with more like this. Laughing Out Loud Laughing Out Loud Laughing Out Loud
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Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 97
Location: GA

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Way too funny for one sitting.
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Joined: 19 Oct 2009
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Mon Oct 19, 2009 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It gave me a hard laugh too. That's witty though. Big smile
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:26 pm    Post subject: Only in Texas Reply with quote

This is excellent. Can't stop laughing.
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Joined: 23 Sep 2010
Posts: 142

PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehehe it IS quite good!
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Joined: 31 Mar 2011
Posts: 6

PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 5:22 am    Post subject: Jokes Reply with quote

I can't stop laughing.
Demin Martin
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